We won’t. There’s plenty of things for everyone to talk about all the time, but they don’t feel the safety, or maybe they don’t feel the need.
I am walking around in Tokyo. More aimless than I thought I would. Lunch was not very exciting. It was good to catch up with my friend. She is very active and good at staying in motion professionally, so I get some energy from our conversations and ideas about what I should be doing. But the environment was loud, and you’re not also a hundred percent sure she understands what you say in English, so the conversation feels fragmented. I got a paste with meatsauce. It was oily and no vegetables. I didn’t want to take a picture of it - I can make a better one. (A trick I’ve done lately is to mix in a bundle of fresh sweet basil. It really kicks things off.)
I’m sitting on a rare bench under a cherry tree in a huge cemetery. There’s a slight breeze, so it’s actually ok. I decided to just start walking after lunch. I want to check out a bike shop and a bookstore.
It is a fun thing about the whole bike thing. It is so easy to dig into and nerd about. And I feel like I can see a pattern between me and some of the guys I’m talking with about it. It’s a way to gear out and be in control, look sleek, feel cool. You really would be so beautiful in that gear. But I won’t repeat that anymore. I’ve said it and that’s it. Please don’t be self-conscious about your future self. I’m the self-conscious one. Jeez, what do you think I’m running from! I’m not perfect in any way, and I hope you don’t glamorize anything either. Doing the physical training is part of the mental thing, and vice versa. I can definitely feel that if I don’t exercise for a couple of days, my mood drops significantly.
I didn’t tell you, but I woke up this morning with a feeling of having a fragment of a dream left in my waking mind. It was so sad. I had this overwhelming sensation of being stuck, of stasis. Privately and professionally. There wasn’t anything action or events in the dream. It was just a fog, a blanket of gradient between dark purple and black, and the sense of being caught.
…Three clouds in the sky just turned to a cluster of 10 or something. How on earth do they do that!
The feeling subsided a bit in the train. But I couldn’t concentrate. I have this craving for alone time, but I’m not in a place where I can automatically get something constructive or productive out of it when I get it. When alone time appears, I just stare blankly ahead of me or look around. I tried to read a bit. I finally took out my phone, because I wanted to feel a song. Yeah, feel it. It’s weird. It’s a French chanson uh la la, that’s called ‘Vingt Ans’ (20 years) by Leo Ferre. I had a hard time finding a good translation of the lyrics, and I don’t totally get them yet, but it’s just such an evocative way of singing that he does.
Maybe it is a midlife crisis to be nostalgic. It’s a sign of not being young, to want to be young, I guess. I don’t care so much about being older though. I care about these years being lost. Feeling lost.
I know life is not supposed to feel like this. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I know what you mean about the present, but to me that also carries the recognition, or the hope, that it is just a phase.
.. now the clouds have turned to just two.
Before Midnight also deals with the how sadness and happiness co-exist. We have to deal with the consequences of our choices, whichever way they point.
It’s not only you worrying if I’d ever regret meeting again. I won’t - it was so true what we did. I’m also worried that you’d regret reconnecting. I worry that you will find a struggle and disturbance in your life, with me as a footnote to your decisions.
I’ll get going now. I’ll reread the thing I wrote when I get to the office tomorrow (it’s in my notebook as a print out).